grub vom krampus
i started out being in such a good mood today, being friday and all…
still doesn’t stop me from wanting to reach through the screen and grab the address at the tail of the from line and pull every one of those pixelated letters and symbols apart into a little tickertape parade.
i’m sure other people have better snarling fits of fantasy. they did warn me about my eventual descent to the dark side here, but if it’s anything like my basketball career there’s a bench waiting for me on B-team hellfire. grease the slide, i’m coming halfway down!
there’s something immensely unsatisfying about being cold via email…sort of a pyrrhic victory. i read something i don’t like and i can’t help it, my body responds as if it was facing a real bullfight. accompanying symptoms: increased heart rate, twitching, strutting, growling…
there’s a sharp pain not unlike a static shock…small and ineffectual at first, but the resulting pressure destroys the smallest of the capillaries, causing blood to leak into the sclera. a throbbing sensation in the frontal lobe, then pounding. a rumbling in the pit of the bowels as the fury awakens. something is suddenly released! there is wretching…twisting…grinding of the spinal discs as the unholy dark matter…a substance blacker than black begins to fill the chest cavity. and yet…amazingly…in a miraculous test of pure will and human endurance am i able to control the beast within…given that it is friday and there are donuts, and after all it’s a pretty decent hair day so i write back reaffirming that i’m totally right and here’s full back up. [ass]. ugh! the wasted energy!
life is the constant doom and participation in the 7th circle of dumbassery. to be human is to be the cause/reception of the worst evil of them all: proximity to other people.
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